Thursday, November 9th, 1989

     I invited Graham to come over last night. I wanted to put his heart back in while he was sleeping so it would be easier, but also I wanted one more night to sleep beside him the way he is before things changed. I’ve never attempted anything of this scale before and I don’t know what putting his heart back in while he’s cursed will do. It made my stomach twinge to think about it, so I tried to let it go by turning on Hibiscus Hollow. Rosaline always gives me motivation and I’d actually been telling myself this is something she would do and not a Susan-thing. But I turned on my TV to find out the show had been cancelled! It hurt as much as if an actual friend had left me; no explanation, no formal goodbye, just termination. Instead, the channel thought I’d like to see a bunch of people gathering around a large wall in Germany. The channel was wrong. Now I didn’t care what Sidney did to the tower. I turned off my set and waited for Graham to arrive.

     Graham came a little later, and morning came no sooner than we had gone to bed. I slid out of my sheets and grabbed the chest that sat on my dresser. I’d hidden it in plain sight with my jewelry. Graham was sound asleep while I stood over him. I opened the box and placed my hand over his throbbing heart. It was warm but dry. I was used to the weight it had by now. It glowed brighter in my hands the closer I brought it to his body.

     There was nothing in my book on this. Maybe he would get his memory back? Maybe he’d just find out he didn’t love me? My stomach ached again, as it had been doing since last night. The important thing was that he loved his child, but what if he tried to take my son away from me? What control would I have then? My thoughts became more frantic as my stomach continued to cramp up. It occurred to me that I hadn’t felt this kind of cramping since before I was pregnant. But this was even more intense. Something trickled down my leg. I looked down to see my blood falling on the carpet. My hands stopped taking orders from my brain and dropped Graham’s heart on the floor. It landed with a bounce and rolled under the bed. The bounce was enough to make Graham sit upright and open his eyes.

     He looked at my face, down at the blood and got out from under the covers as fast as he could. It clicked with me then that something might be wrong with the baby and that’s when I started to panic. I could feel my consciousness sliding back and the other Regina taking over, which hasn’t happened in a long time. Nothing has frightened me as much as when I thought Jefferson was going to kill me until this. Graham was already dressed and picking me up off the floor to take me to his car.

     “Get my coat!” The last words came out of my mouth before she took over.

     Regina cried all the way to the hospital as she continued to bleed through her pajamas and coat. She knew what was going on. At least this way, I couldn’t feel the physical pain. But as Graham helped Regina out of the car at the hospital, she put her hands in her coat pockets and wrapped it around her stomach. She felt something in one of the pockets and pulled it out. Seeing Daniel’s coin brought me back, but it also brought back the pain. Still, as I was placed on a stretcher and taken into a room, I could feel when Regina was trying to come back out. I was frightened and had no control, and it made me feel dizzy and light-headed. All I had to do was glance inside my pocket at Daniel’s coin and it would go away, but seeing his steadfast smiling face seemed opposite for this moment.

     Dr. Whale rushed in, saw my blood-stained clothes and listened politely to my symptoms. His straight line of a mouth and direct look into my eyes told me what I already knew before he did.

     “I’m sorry, Madam Mayor, but you’re having a miscarriage.”

     “I’m still having it?”

     Dr. Whale turned to the nurse who accompanied him.

     “We need a room prepped for another D and C.” He turned back to me as the nurse sped off. “Because of where you are in the pregnancy, we’re going to do a procedure to make recovery easier and get the rest of it out.”

     It being my baby.

     Graham offered to go back to my house to get me some clean clothes to change into before leaving, but I thought of his heart and didn’t want him to accidentally find it. I didn’t have to worry about that though, because he got an alert on his walkie from the television studio. People had broken in and were rioting. Graham apologized to me, but being the only law enforcement in town meant he had to be there.

     Dr. Whale had a nurse come and prep me for a surgery that would have me under mild anathesia and out of the hospital before the end of the day. I was able to call Kathryn and ask her to pick me up after, as I didn’t know how long Graham would be. Knowing I would be sedated meant that the other Regina could surface. My only hope was that I’d be able to get into my coat again.

I was in a mist and all that was in it was me and the other Regina. We stared at each other. She looked weaker than me. She didn’t stand as straight as me and she smiled at me as though to apologize for that. The mist began to lift and a ladder made of rope fell from above us, which I took to mean I was coming out of sedation. It unfurled right beside the other Regina and she turned to climb the ladder. I walked up to her.

     “Before you go…”

     Regina turned and I punched her in the face. She fell to the ground as I took the ladder and climbed.

     I woke up, as myself, to see Kathryn smiling and crying in the recovery room. I had lost my baby, but I had beaten the shell of a human the curse had tried to force on me. Kathryn helped me into some of her clothes she’d brought for me. After signing some paperwork, the nurse put me in a wheel chair and we made our way out.

     Going through the rest of the hospital was like going through the scene of a battle. It turned out I’d slept through the victims of the riot at the television station coming in. People were leaning against the walls, bleeding through bandages and waiting to see a doctor. Leroy was sitting on the floor against a wall, unable to hold back his tears and swearing no one was supposed to get hurt.

     “Where’s Graham?” I couldn’t see him anywhere.

     “He’s fine, I’m sure.” Kathryn placed a hand on my shoulder as we went out the door.

Tuesday, November 7th, 1989

     I just woke up from a dream.

     I was in the great hall of my father’s castle. I was a little girl, about nine or ten. I was wearing an extremely heavy dress full of beads and jewelry that was meant for only the staunchest of situations. It was all I could do to stand up straight and face my mother. She was her young, beautiful cold self. Vivian stood beside her, also looking much younger and very unhappy. Sidney stood on her other side, dressed as he was when I first met him. The hall was filled with our kingdom’s subjects. Everyone was silent and looking at me, and I had the distinct feeling that I was on trial.

     Sidney’s voice boomed to address the crowd. “Will the first witness step forward?”

     Daniel made his way through the people. He was fully grown and not a child like I was. A baby was in his arms and I knew it to be mine. Daniel stopped at the steps before my mother and looked into the infant’s eyes before passing it up to her. As soon as it was in her arms, he changed into a horse and raced off. The people in the hall cheered after him before turning and booing me.

     “Silence!” The audience hushed at my mother’s command. She cradled the baby in her arms before handing it over to Vivian. Then she held out her arm to address me. “She is to be commended!”

     The crowd of people then applauded me. I didn’t know what was coming, but anytime my mother was happy about something, it wasn’t good.

     “Pay respect to your Princess!” At my mother’s words, all of the people standing in the hall put their hands to their chests, ripped out their hearts and threw them to my feet. Some of them hit me on their way over and now my dress was splattered with blood. I was surrounded by hundreds of bloody, glowing organs. I stayed as still as I could. The hearts were all beating in different rhythms and I had to concentrate to hear what Sidney said next.

     “Will the second witness step forward?” His voice rose over the heartbeats. Graham entered the hall fully-grown as well and in his full regalia as my soldier.  He walked right past me approached the steps leading to my mother and bowed before her. She gestured for him to rise and then called to me.

     “Command him.”

     I looked down. In my hands was the box that held his heart. This was my chance to stop this. I lifted the lid and whispered to his heart.   

     “Feel something.”

     Graham stood before everyone, confused.

     “Wrong!” My mother let out a laugh. The audience copied her. I looked back down at my hands, which were empty. My mother had Graham’s heart now, and she commanded it loud enough for me to hear. “Kill the child.” The audience applauded.

     “NO!” I ran for Graham as he ran for the infant, but my dress was so heavy and the hearts were all in my way. I had to get to my baby before he did. I tried to step over the hearts, but my skirts pushed more of them in front of me. I had no choice but to step on the hearts to get up to Graham. They turned to dust around my feet and the hall filled with the screams of our subjects. I tripped on one of the hearts and fell. Going down, I looked up to see my mother with that empty smile on her face.

     And I woke up.

     It made sense. Graham can’t love anything, even if I commanded him to. He could actually hurt our child like my mother did to me, even if it’s not physically. I can’t let it go through that. I’m the only one that deserves to be happy, but Graham deserves to love his child.

     I have to give Graham back his heart.

Monday, November 6th, 1989

     I still haven’t told anyone about the pregnancy. The only people who know are Kathryn, Graham and the hospital. Storybrooke General follows a strict code of conduct, but Dr. Whale insists everyone stay silent on the matter until it’s very obvious that I am pregnant, which seems odd but is fine by me.

     No one knows about my engagement to Graham, either. Not even Kathryn. I still can’t believe I said yes. We haven’t set a date to actually marry yet. If Dr. Whale’s calculations were correct and I was pregnant for six weeks when I first saw him, then I should give birth in the middle of May. At least I think that’s when it will happen. Since we’re not aging, I’m not sure how long this pregnancy will last before I give birth.

     The pregnancy and Graham aren’t the only things I’ve been concerned with. Sidney’s been bothering me again about television. Today he insisted on bringing it up at lunch.

     “What do you expect us to do, Sidney?”

     “Let’s take the tower down.”

     “We’ve spoken of this before. We can’t just take it down.” I admire his passion, but Sidney’s not usually so reckless.

     “We have to do something. Have you been paying attention to the news? Have you seen what’s been going on in East and West Germany?”

     “Sort of. I’ve been busy.”

     “Well, it’s big. People are gathering and becoming agitated over there. Have you taken a look around here lately? It’s as if there’s a link between the unrest on television and the unrest here. Some people are getting restless. I think they’re planning on rioting.”

     “Rioting? Where do they think we are?” I’ve dealt with revolts before as queen. I was able to end them, usually with arrows and fire. That’s not the way to handle things here, but the last thing I need is another library situation to deal with.

     “I know what you’re thinking,” Sidney said, “but we don’t have to completely get rid of television. There’s still the local station. We can build that up and have it air whatever you want, just like the paper.” He leaned in. “I know how we can get episodes of Hibiscus Hollow.”

     That was all I needed. “You have my permission to look into this. Do what you need to do, even if the people do riot. Even chaos can be guided.”

     I had my first ultrasound after work, today. I didn’t know what that was, but the doctor told me that you can tell the sex of the child by the eleventh week. I saw some of what Sidney was talking about on my drive to the hospital. The clouds above were threatening lightning and rain and people were walking to and from their destinations. I stopped at the corner by the electronics store. Televisions filled the front window and glowed a commercial in unison for a restaurant we don’t have here. Then the news came on and everyone walking by stopped and faced the televisions. The broadcast showed people were in fact gathering in Germany. One of the men watching the news raised a fist in the air and shouted something. He turned, and Leroy and I locked eyes before I sped off.

    It was a relief to get to Storybrooke General. Once the nurse took me into my room, I got in my gown and waited on the table. Dr. Whale came in a little while later. He’s been my doctor during my pregnancy and is very dedicated in seeing me to term. I can’t imagine he deals with too many pregnant women. If there’s one thing he understands, it is discretion. At the doctor’s suggestion, Graham came in about thirty minutes after me so as not to raise suspicion.

     “Let’s get started, shall we?” Dr. Whale was very calm as he explained what he would do and how the machine would work. He squeezed some goo on my stomach and turned on the machine. He grabbed a device from the console that he called a trans-something and placed it on my stomach. It made a roaring sound as he moved it around. The doctor pointed to the monitor, which had once been black. Now it was full of little white dots, and they formed the outline of an infant. “There it is!” Lightning flashed through the window. “There’s the heart beat. Do you hear it?” A steady beat rose above the roar.

     In the weeks previous, I had accepted what was happening to me. I’d allowed myself to believe that this was not some illusion by the curse. But now, being able to see and hear my child made the whole thing finally real and wonderful to me.

     “Yes.” My voice faltered, but I got it out. I was so happy. Tears came down my face and my smile was so big it made my face hurt. I reached out my hand to Graham. He took it, but my happiness faded as when I saw the look on his face.

     I knew that look. His lips formed a smile he knew he should have because that’s what someone who loves their child would have. He stared at the monitor because that’s what someone with a heart would do. But there was no emotion there. It was the look my mother gave me all of my life.

     “You’re happy for our child, right?” This was something I never thought I’d ask, but there I was in the bed at home after the doctor’s visit. I’m still not physically ready to do much, but I’m willing to make Graham give me a massage.

     “Of course.”

     “Are you sure?”

     “Yes.” He hands gave me one last rub before he got off the bed. “Have you thought of names yet?”

     “I like Daniel.” I sat up and faced him. “Or Danielle if it’s a girl.”

     “I thought maybe Hunter or Wolf.” Of course he would.

     “My child will not be named Wolf, but Hunter might be a good middle name.” His occupation beat Daniel’s. “Stableboy” just doesn’t sound as confident.

     Graham smiled that empty smile again and went out the window. I haven’t been able to fall asleep since.

Thursday, September 21st, 1989

     The morning after dinner with Kathryn, I was very sick. I couldn’t leave my bathroom for most of the day. I called town hall and explained as quickly as I could that I wasn’t coming in. It was a miserable morning. I felt better as the day went on, but I was so exhausted by then. I forbade Graham from staying over until I was better. The next morning I was still sick. I made it into work later in the day, rationalizing that food poisoning isn’t contagious. I heard Granny was quite offended when I made Graham inspect her restaurant. I knew she’d be even more upset as soon as Sidney’s editorial questioning the sanitation of her establishment would be released the next day. I didn’t take the time to investigate, myself, because I was sick again. I thought I was going to die.

     It was Kathryn who came over to check on me. I insisted I was eating, even though it didn’t stay in me for long. She took me right over to the hospital and we were in a room immediately. A nurse drew my blood and then we waited. Finally, Dr. Whale came in. I expected medicine, but instead he handed me this bit of news:

     “Congratulations, Madam Mayor, you’re pregnant. I’d say about six weeks.”

     “That’s impossible,” came out of my mouth before I could stop it, but it was true. Nothing changes here. I know because I made it that way. Vivian knew this, too. She studied the curse enough to know that nothing new can enter Storybrooke. So how could I be pregnant?

     Dr. Whale offered to do an ultrasound to show me the baby. I didn’t know what crazy hospital magic that was, but I knew it was pointless. This was a trick of the curse to somehow keep everyone else miserable and even if his machine showed something, it wouldn’t be real.

     Kathryn drove me home after the doctor gave me some advice on how to manage my mornings. She was happy, I could tell, but was holding it in. I was not.

     The first thing I did once I was alone in my house was assess the situation. Things don’t change in our lives, but the curse doesn’t stop the world from turning or the sun from setting. It doesn’t stop the tide from coming in and it doesn’t stop a woman from going through what she can go through. Despite knowing the doctor was wrong, I had to admit that my monthly cycle was late by a couple of weeks. Acknowledging that brought doubt into my head. I could go to the drug store and buy a pregnancy test, but the curse might rig those and make it positive for everyone’s benefit. I could use magic to divine whether or not it was true, but that seemed like a waste. Nothing sounded like a good idea except for one thing.

     I drove to the cemetery, went straight down into my safe haven and into Daniel’s room. He was there, quiet in his glass coffin, absolutely perfect. For a moment, I entertained the idea that the doctor had been right, and in that moment I knew that he was. I put my arms on top of the glass, leaned my head against them and cried. I had betrayed my one true love. I never wanted anyone’s children but his.

     The idea of giving birth to a child didn’t upset me. I wasn’t concerned about how my life would change; I was in charge and this town would change with me to accommodate my needs. But still, this wasn’t something that I had planned. I lifted my head, wiped my eyes and looked at the man I’d loved. It occurred to me that I didn’t have to have this child. The thought of using magic entered my mind again. But then I thought of how I was when Daniel knew me verses what I had become after Snow White had taken him away from me. I was not the girl he’d fallen in love with anymore. I had done so much since then; maybe this was a chance at redemption?

     I left my family mausoleum and went home. Graham was waiting for me at the front door.

     “There you are. I’ve been looking for you.” It was almost too dark to see him, so I invited him inside. The lamp light in my living room made it much easier to see his concern. “I heard you’d gone to the hospital.”

     “Yes, I did.” There was no need to dance around it. “Graham, I’m pregnant.”

     “Oh.” Without his heart, it seemed he didn’t know how to react. Graham furrowed his brow and looked as though he was thinking hard about whether he should be happy or upset. “Oh…”

     “I’m going to keep it, but you don’t have to worry about having any responsibility.”

     “What will you do when people ask who the father is?”

     “I’ll make them stop.” I was fine until he asked this. Putting my coat away in the closet suddenly seemed like a good idea. “It’s none of their business. I’m the mayor.”

     “Regina.” He pursued me. “What if I married you?”

     I dropped my coat on the floor. “You don’t have to do that.” I bent down to pick it up off the tile, but Graham was faster than me.

     “I want to be a father to my child as your husband.” He put my coat away and turned to me. “Would you marry me?”

     “Yes.”