Thursday, August 15th, 1991

     This was a bad idea.

     These last ten weeks have been getting progressively worse. Everything started out fine. Nick and Ava were quiet around me, which was understandable. I wasn’t immediately warm to them either, but I was cordial. I take them to school every day. After school, I make them dinner or take them to Granny’s. Kathryn and I take them around town, they have friends come over and even Graham and Sidney have taken a liking to them. They light up on Wednesday evenings, when Sister Astrid comes to check in on us. The nun let me know on one of her first visits that their mother neglected them. Sister Astrid helped them overcome their grief and I gathered she was the closest thing to a friend for a while.

     But when it’s just the three of us, the children act differently. They become very quiet and if I talk to them, they appear suspicious of me. I took them to Dr. Hopper, who found nothing wrong with them and suggested that it could just be difficult for them to adjust to their new lives with me.

     But things did not improve with time. I flipped through my book of riddles one day, and sure enough, I found one that suggested that children are more vulnerable to coming out of the curse before the savior arrives. All they have to do is be alone in my presence and their true selves will shine through. It can take a while, according to the book, but the curse should break for them in just under three months.

     One day after school, Miss Blanchard called me into a conference. The children and I were just over a month into our trial period.

     “Here are some drawings Nick and Ava drew while in class.” Miss Blanchard showed me paintings of the ocean and flowers. “And here are some drawings they drew for homework.” The two drawings were both disturbing, but the one that stood out to me the most was Ava’s. It was of a woman burning in a small chamber.

     Miss Blanchard suggested I take them back to Dr. Hopper, but no amount of counseling was going to fix this. Nick and Ava’s true selves were shining through and they were fixating on something that connects us.

     They’re fine when they’re around other people. I just needed to give them back and stay as far away from them as possible. Last week, I asked Sister Astrid if I could take advantage of that return policy Mother Superior mentioned.

     “You’re just nervous.” She said. “The children are, too. You’re both so close to becoming a family. They’ve been through a lot, so it’s true that they might not be your typical children. But I know they’re so grateful to have you. You just have to have faith. I have faith in you.” She turned and left, and I knew I was stuck with them.

     The next morning, on the way to school, Ava called me a witch. This made my hands tighten on the steering wheel. Witches are treated differently in this world than in the old one. Of course dark witches are feared and light witches are appreciated back home, but this world doesn’t differentiate between the two. And even though Hansel and Gretel knew the difference, these children are seeing the world from Nick and Ava’s perspectives.

     Over the next several days, the children started testing me. I’ve read enough while searching for Vivian’s book to know that the past people of this world tested their witches to prove they were witches. The tests were stupid, but so were the people conducting them. Even so, Nick and Ava weren’t familiar with the correct tests for witches at first. Nick brought home a clove of garlic and shoved it in my face. I promised him I wasn’t a vampire and used the garlic in our lasagna for dinner. On the night of the last full moon, the children sat and stared at me.

     “Wrong house,” I said before sending them to bed.

     But their tests became more accurate. On Thursdays, I take the children with me to the cemetery so we can both pay respects to our family who’s buried there. When we visit my father’s crypt, we only visit the surface. I haven’t gone underground to my safe haven since taking them in. I’m sure everything’s collecting dust. Afterwards we go back into town to Granny’s.

      This Thursday, on our way back into town, Nick begged me to pull over. He’d been drinking water all day and didn’t take care of things before we left the house. Now he was panicking and we wouldn’t reach town in time. I pulled off to the side of the road and Nick ran into the woods. I shouted after him not to go too far. After five minutes, I became concerned, so Ava and I got out of the car and searched for him. We walked down to the river bank, but there was no sign of him.

     “There he is!” Ava was pointed to our right. I turned and saw Nick was running up to us. Then hands pushed against my back. I fell into the river and splashed around to get my bearings, while Nick and Ava just stood and watched me. I called out for them to help me, but they continued to study my actions. The water was cold, but the current wasn’t as strong as it could have been and I was able to pull myself out. I stood before them, wet and shivering.  

     “Why the hell did you do that?!” I removed my coat and held it away from me as water poured from it.

     “You floated.” Nick said.

     “Oh, is that what I was doing?”

     “You failed the test.” Ava said.

     “Did I?” The wind suddenly picked up around us. I used it to emphasize my authority. “Well, there will be no more tests, or you won’t be going back to Sister Astrid. You’ll be going someplace much worse.”

     “Hi, Graham!” Ava smiled at the Sheriff as he strolled over. She was clearly smitten, and who could blame her?

     “What are you doing out here?” Graham held out his arms and Nick and Ava ran to him. Graham hugged Ava with one arm and used his other arm to ruffle Nick’s hair. The children who were attempted-murderers only seconds ago giggled at his affection.

     “We stopped by the lake and Regina fell in.” Nick looked up at the Sheriff and back to me. “She’s okay now. We tried to help her.”

     “No, you didn’t!” I was soaked, shivering and furious. Graham made the smart decision of getting the children away from me. Once they’d left for my car, he offered to escort me into town before going back to work.

     “No, Graham, I need you to stay with me. They’re different when I’m alone with them.”

     “They’re fine. They’re children.” He was so confident. “They were probably scared to see you fall in.”

     I locked the children in their rooms (and locked my own door, just to be safe) and called Mother Superior that night and expressed my concern for the twins’ well-being and told her my decision to give them back. Mother Superior gave me a quote from the bible about strength and the ability to love before telling me we should wait out the trial period. She said she’d see us in church on Sunday before hanging up.

     I know the people of Storybrooke aren’t aware that I’m the only one who’s not supposed to be miserable, but it seems like they all believe I should be dead. No one believes that these children are dangerous, therefore only one option remains: I have to kill them before they kill me.

Friday, June 7th, 1991

     It’s taken me this long to admit to myself that I am ready to be a mother. The pain of losing my baby has been difficult to get past and I don’t think it will ever really vanish, but I want to raise a child. Clearly, natural childbirth is not an option, which leaves adoption as my only choice.

     Adoption is a problem of its own. When I cast the curse, I made it so no child would need to be adopted. Even though I believe the adults from my kingdom deserve to suffer for their treachery, I’ve come to believe that children don’t deserve as strong of a punishment. They are not at fault for what their parents do, and even though they have the potential to make those same mistakes, for a certain span of time, they are innocent. Because of that, I made it so every child in Storybrooke would have a home. Granted, they might not always be the happiest of homes, but no child is homeless or hungry. Not bad for an evil queen.

     Perhaps I should have just taken all of the children out of the Enchanted Forest to live away from the adults, but I don’t think that would have been effective. I tried that once as queen, by hiring a musician to do that for me, but it didn’t work out so well.

     That being said, things have changed since we first arrived. People have died and it has caused the town to make adjustments. One of them had children, and the nuns of Storybrooke opened the town’s first orphanage. The Sisters only have two orphans who are ready to have a new parent, but as much as I want to be a mother and they seem my only option, I’ve been hesitant.

     When Deputy Sanchez died, only a few witnessed it and it corrected a great problem with the curse. Therefore, it was easy for the curse to wipe most everyone’s memory of him without affecting anyone. However, when Dory Zimmer was killed at the television station, many people witnessed it. Also, taking away television only seemed to solve a problem for Sidney, not correct an imperfection in the curse. We still can hear the radio sometimes, as well as get subscriptions to magazines. Dory left behind two children, a brother and sister, but they are not my first choice. After all, her children were the only child targets of my curse.

     I’m still going back and forth about how much I really want to become a mother again. Would it just be easier to kill another parent and take their child? Of course, but people might find out. These two are really the best option.

     My desire to be a mother won out today. I went to the Sisters’ orphanage and spoke with Mother Superior. We sat in her office, in two fluffy chairs that faced each other. One of the Sisters brought us hot tea and Mother Superior prepared a cup for me. Despite her warmth, I could sense that I was not completely welcome. I took a sip from the cup she handed me and braced myself for the interview.

    “There have been several interested parties.” Mother Superior poured tea into a tiny china cup for herself before sitting down. “But most want just the boy or the girl. We believe it would be best to keep them together.”

     “I agree.”

     “They’ve grown very accustomed to being here. The church is an important part of their lives.” She kept her hands folded in her lap while the steam from her neglected tea cup swirled beside her. “I haven’t seen you attend a service in quite some time. It’s important to us as well as to the children that whoever adopts them continues to keep the church in their hearts. Would you do that as their mother?”

     I found it funny that if it wasn’t for me, none of the people in this town would even follow this religion, including the Sisters. If she was aware of how many people I converted from the religion of our old world to the religion of this one, she might give me a break.

     “Of course.”

     She was hesitant. To be fair, I was too. We both knew this was going well. The nun who had brought the tea in returned to take our empty cups and Mother Superior whispered something in her ear before she left.

     “We will handle this cautiously. You will have the children for a trial basis of three months to see if you are a good match. This is for their benefit as well as yours. During this time, one of the Sisters will be assigned to visit you once a week to see how things are progressing. At the end of the trial period, if she decides you will make a good match, then the adoption process can begin. Do you agree to this?”

     “I do.”

      Mother Superior called for her door to be opened and a different nun came into the room with the brother and sister. The children who were once Hansel and Gretel were introduced to me as Nick and Ava Zimmer. The nun who brought them before me had a hand on a shoulder of each child. Mother Superior introduced her as Sister Astrid. She would be the one checking in on us. The nun giggled, curtsied and offered a hand for me to shake. Nick and Ava were shy, but smiled and greeted me when I introduced myself to them.

     “How would you like to live with me?” I asked. This time, I was given a different answer.

     “We’d like that, Miss Mills.” Ava spoke on behalf of both of them.

     I took them home and showed them where they’d be sleeping. Right now, they just look like guest rooms, but I told them we would start making them look like their own rooms tomorrow. We had a quiet but nice dinner before they went to bed. I never expected to forgive Hansel and Gretel for betraying me, but wiping their memories might be the thing we all needed. I think this was a good idea after all.

Tuesday, November 21st, 1989

     Graham volunteered to take me to my follow-up visit with Dr. Whale the week after my surgery. I hadn’t left my house the entire time. I hadn’t answered my phone. The curtains stayed closed. I didn’t even turn the lights on most of the time after the sun set. Kathryn finally forced herself in the day before my doctor visit to make sure I was eating and made me promise to meet her on Monday. It was her doing that Graham was taking me to the doctor in the first place, as I had taken his heart from under my bed once I was home from the hospital and alone, brushed it off, put it back in its box and left it alone ever since.

     But on the drive to the hospital, Graham spoke as though nothing bothered him. And nothing did, even if I ordered him to be bothered by something. He stopped the riot single-handed, without any of the violence upsetting him. My miscarriage didn’t upset him either, or the fact that he couldn’t be there thanks to the riot. He spoke as though they had all been casual things that had happened last week, and spoke of our engagement the same way.

     “No!” My protest was enough to get Graham to stop the car in the middle of the street. “We’re not getting married. I don’t even know why I said yes, but now that there’s no baby—“ My voice stopped working for a moment and tears threatened to come. I got out of the car and took a deep breath before leaning back in to see his confused face. “We’re not meant to be married, so just go back to work, Sheriff.” I turned and walked the rest of the way to the hospital. I could hear Graham obeying me as his car drove off behind me.

     I’m doing better, physically. Dr. Whale said I was in good enough condition to return to work on Monday if I wished. Before I left, he prescribed me birth control pills. His very words were that they were to help avoid something like this from happening again. Things were starting to make sense. The line I stood in at Mr. Clark’s drug store was full of women who all shared a look of resignation in their eyes.

     The walk back to work was a quiet one. The air was still thick with the shock and disappointment of what had happened at the television station. I let Storybrooke be as I recuperated and grieved the loss of my baby, so I only had a vague idea of what happened. Sidney was waiting for me outside my office when I arrived. We went inside and he informed me of what had happened at the television station. He spoke as though he’d been a general watching a battle from the horizon. As the wall was coming down in Berlin, a disguised reporter was planted in the Storybrooke crowd as an instigator while Leroy spoke. After a whisper or two into people’s ears and a few well-placed shouts, it didn’t take long to sway the crowd into believing the problem was actually television itself. They made their way to the television station and protested outside. Sidney’s plan worked and the mob became violent. Soon the morning news show was invaded by the protesters. There were lots of injuries and one fatality. A camera was pushed over onto a co-anchor and she died from her injuries. Sidney didn’t need to tell me her name; everyone in town loved turning their televisions on in the morning so Dory Zimmer could be part of their day.

     As soon as Sidney had finished, one of my assistants came in and prepared me for Ms. Zimmer’s memorial we were having that afternoon. Before he left the room, he handed me a speech that had been written in my absence, but Sidney asked if he could proof-read it. He took the sheet of paper and scanned its only paragraph before he sat down and pulled out a pencil. Sidney scribbled as fast as he could and handed the speech back to me.

     That afternoon, before a crowd of people along with reporters for the same newspaper and a lone camera and television reporter, I spoke of the lessons Dory Zimmer’s death taught us. First, how we need to respect one another and be rational. The second lesson, thanks to Sidney’s pencil, was that too much of what we were watching was negative and unhealthy. Had there been more positive television, like what is shown on our local station, Miss Zimmer might still be alive. There was no disagreement from the crowd before me, so I announced that as of today, all television stations would be turned off except for ours.

     After work, I met Kathryn at Granny’s. She was standing outside and informed me we were going to the hospital. At first I was worried about her seeing David, but she hadn’t said anything since picking me up last week. As soon as we got in, we met the nurse at the reception desk. She seemed to be familiar with Kathryn and wrote out two “Volunteer” name tags for us. I told Kathryn I didn’t want to volunteer; it was too soon to be back here, and I did not want to work alongside Mary Margaret. Kathryn insisted we’d be fine and walked us down the corridor I’d seen her in two months ago. Instead of turning right at the end where David was, we turned left to a kind of meeting room. Metal folding chairs had been arranged in a circle on the tile floor, and there was coffee and cookies on a small table along an empty green wall.

     We weren’t the only ones in there. Eight other women were waiting with us. Some were sitting in the chairs. Some were standing and chatting. All of them I recognized as the other volunteers from two months ago and most of them I also recognized from the line at the drug store.

     “Would you like a cookie?” Kathryn started to go to the table, but I made her come back and stand with me. With cookies would come conversation with these other women, and I had no desire to talk to them.

     Before long, Dr. Hopper came in and we all sat down. In his quiet but respectful voice, he welcomed us and invited us to take turns talking about our experiences.

     “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.” Kathryn leaned over and whispered to me.

     One by one, the women shared their experiences, and they were all the same: every one of them had miscarried by their fourth month. Most were resigned to their one experience, but a few still held out hope.

     “We have our daughter, Paige, who we adopted.” This fourth woman was smiling, but had started by saying she’d been coming to these meetings for as long as she could remember—everyone’s favorite amount of time. “We love her, but I still want us to have our own children. I’ve miscarried four times now and Dr. Whale is very insistent that I go on the birth control. So is my husband. But I want to give birth to a child. So we keep trying.”

     Most of the women were on birth control, but some didn’t see a need for one reason or another. There was plenty of shoulder patting, head nodding and hand squeezing. I was counting the minutes for when it would end.

     “My name is Kathryn. I’ve been here a few times and just listened. All of you are so brave. My husband left me some time ago. We got into an argument and he was gone the next day. But before he left, we were trying to make it work. We had a moment of intimacy and several weeks after he was gone I discovered I was carrying his child. I chose to keep it, but I lost it. Dr. Whale prescribed me the birth control, but I didn’t see a point.”

     “I want you all to know it’s not your fault.” Dr. Hopper reinforced after Kathryn spoke.

     But he was wrong. It was their fault. They were on the side of Snow White. If they had sided with me and helped me destroy her, maybe I wouldn’t have been swayed to cast this curse? Then all of my subjects could have all the babies they wanted.

     I left the meeting with things making sense: I’d fallen victim to the curse. This was something I could have avoided had I seen it. No children are born in Storybrooke because nothing changes here. And that’s exactly what I wanted. I walked past Mary Margaret on my way out and held my head high, and I went home with the knowledge that I was still victorious.

     But once I was home alone in my dark house, something didn’t feel right. I suppose a week isn’t enough to recover, even though I know what’s never meant to be. I felt lonely. I turned every light on in the house, but nothing. I ate dinner, but the emptiness was still there. Finally, I grabbed the box that held Graham’s heart and ordered him to come to me.

     A man in control of himself would not come, not after being treated the way I treated him a few days ago. But Graham came and got into bed with me. I moved close to him and just tried to fall asleep.

     “Don’t you want to turn off any of the lights?” He asked.

     “No.”

Thursday, November 9th, 1989

     I invited Graham to come over last night. I wanted to put his heart back in while he was sleeping so it would be easier, but also I wanted one more night to sleep beside him the way he is before things changed. I’ve never attempted anything of this scale before and I don’t know what putting his heart back in while he’s cursed will do. It made my stomach twinge to think about it, so I tried to let it go by turning on Hibiscus Hollow. Rosaline always gives me motivation and I’d actually been telling myself this is something she would do and not a Susan-thing. But I turned on my TV to find out the show had been cancelled! It hurt as much as if an actual friend had left me; no explanation, no formal goodbye, just termination. Instead, the channel thought I’d like to see a bunch of people gathering around a large wall in Germany. The channel was wrong. Now I didn’t care what Sidney did to the tower. I turned off my set and waited for Graham to arrive.

     Graham came a little later, and morning came no sooner than we had gone to bed. I slid out of my sheets and grabbed the chest that sat on my dresser. I’d hidden it in plain sight with my jewelry. Graham was sound asleep while I stood over him. I opened the box and placed my hand over his throbbing heart. It was warm but dry. I was used to the weight it had by now. It glowed brighter in my hands the closer I brought it to his body.

     There was nothing in my book on this. Maybe he would get his memory back? Maybe he’d just find out he didn’t love me? My stomach ached again, as it had been doing since last night. The important thing was that he loved his child, but what if he tried to take my son away from me? What control would I have then? My thoughts became more frantic as my stomach continued to cramp up. It occurred to me that I hadn’t felt this kind of cramping since before I was pregnant. But this was even more intense. Something trickled down my leg. I looked down to see my blood falling on the carpet. My hands stopped taking orders from my brain and dropped Graham’s heart on the floor. It landed with a bounce and rolled under the bed. The bounce was enough to make Graham sit upright and open his eyes.

     He looked at my face, down at the blood and got out from under the covers as fast as he could. It clicked with me then that something might be wrong with the baby and that’s when I started to panic. I could feel my consciousness sliding back and the other Regina taking over, which hasn’t happened in a long time. Nothing has frightened me as much as when I thought Jefferson was going to kill me until this. Graham was already dressed and picking me up off the floor to take me to his car.

     “Get my coat!” The last words came out of my mouth before she took over.

     Regina cried all the way to the hospital as she continued to bleed through her pajamas and coat. She knew what was going on. At least this way, I couldn’t feel the physical pain. But as Graham helped Regina out of the car at the hospital, she put her hands in her coat pockets and wrapped it around her stomach. She felt something in one of the pockets and pulled it out. Seeing Daniel’s coin brought me back, but it also brought back the pain. Still, as I was placed on a stretcher and taken into a room, I could feel when Regina was trying to come back out. I was frightened and had no control, and it made me feel dizzy and light-headed. All I had to do was glance inside my pocket at Daniel’s coin and it would go away, but seeing his steadfast smiling face seemed opposite for this moment.

     Dr. Whale rushed in, saw my blood-stained clothes and listened politely to my symptoms. His straight line of a mouth and direct look into my eyes told me what I already knew before he did.

     “I’m sorry, Madam Mayor, but you’re having a miscarriage.”

     “I’m still having it?”

     Dr. Whale turned to the nurse who accompanied him.

     “We need a room prepped for another D and C.” He turned back to me as the nurse sped off. “Because of where you are in the pregnancy, we’re going to do a procedure to make recovery easier and get the rest of it out.”

     It being my baby.

     Graham offered to go back to my house to get me some clean clothes to change into before leaving, but I thought of his heart and didn’t want him to accidentally find it. I didn’t have to worry about that though, because he got an alert on his walkie from the television studio. People had broken in and were rioting. Graham apologized to me, but being the only law enforcement in town meant he had to be there.

     Dr. Whale had a nurse come and prep me for a surgery that would have me under mild anathesia and out of the hospital before the end of the day. I was able to call Kathryn and ask her to pick me up after, as I didn’t know how long Graham would be. Knowing I would be sedated meant that the other Regina could surface. My only hope was that I’d be able to get into my coat again.

I was in a mist and all that was in it was me and the other Regina. We stared at each other. She looked weaker than me. She didn’t stand as straight as me and she smiled at me as though to apologize for that. The mist began to lift and a ladder made of rope fell from above us, which I took to mean I was coming out of sedation. It unfurled right beside the other Regina and she turned to climb the ladder. I walked up to her.

     “Before you go…”

     Regina turned and I punched her in the face. She fell to the ground as I took the ladder and climbed.

     I woke up, as myself, to see Kathryn smiling and crying in the recovery room. I had lost my baby, but I had beaten the shell of a human the curse had tried to force on me. Kathryn helped me into some of her clothes she’d brought for me. After signing some paperwork, the nurse put me in a wheel chair and we made our way out.

     Going through the rest of the hospital was like going through the scene of a battle. It turned out I’d slept through the victims of the riot at the television station coming in. People were leaning against the walls, bleeding through bandages and waiting to see a doctor. Leroy was sitting on the floor against a wall, unable to hold back his tears and swearing no one was supposed to get hurt.

     “Where’s Graham?” I couldn’t see him anywhere.

     “He’s fine, I’m sure.” Kathryn placed a hand on my shoulder as we went out the door.

Tuesday, November 7th, 1989

     I just woke up from a dream.

     I was in the great hall of my father’s castle. I was a little girl, about nine or ten. I was wearing an extremely heavy dress full of beads and jewelry that was meant for only the staunchest of situations. It was all I could do to stand up straight and face my mother. She was her young, beautiful cold self. Vivian stood beside her, also looking much younger and very unhappy. Sidney stood on her other side, dressed as he was when I first met him. The hall was filled with our kingdom’s subjects. Everyone was silent and looking at me, and I had the distinct feeling that I was on trial.

     Sidney’s voice boomed to address the crowd. “Will the first witness step forward?”

     Daniel made his way through the people. He was fully grown and not a child like I was. A baby was in his arms and I knew it to be mine. Daniel stopped at the steps before my mother and looked into the infant’s eyes before passing it up to her. As soon as it was in her arms, he changed into a horse and raced off. The people in the hall cheered after him before turning and booing me.

     “Silence!” The audience hushed at my mother’s command. She cradled the baby in her arms before handing it over to Vivian. Then she held out her arm to address me. “She is to be commended!”

     The crowd of people then applauded me. I didn’t know what was coming, but anytime my mother was happy about something, it wasn’t good.

     “Pay respect to your Princess!” At my mother’s words, all of the people standing in the hall put their hands to their chests, ripped out their hearts and threw them to my feet. Some of them hit me on their way over and now my dress was splattered with blood. I was surrounded by hundreds of bloody, glowing organs. I stayed as still as I could. The hearts were all beating in different rhythms and I had to concentrate to hear what Sidney said next.

     “Will the second witness step forward?” His voice rose over the heartbeats. Graham entered the hall fully-grown as well and in his full regalia as my soldier.  He walked right past me approached the steps leading to my mother and bowed before her. She gestured for him to rise and then called to me.

     “Command him.”

     I looked down. In my hands was the box that held his heart. This was my chance to stop this. I lifted the lid and whispered to his heart.   

     “Feel something.”

     Graham stood before everyone, confused.

     “Wrong!” My mother let out a laugh. The audience copied her. I looked back down at my hands, which were empty. My mother had Graham’s heart now, and she commanded it loud enough for me to hear. “Kill the child.” The audience applauded.

     “NO!” I ran for Graham as he ran for the infant, but my dress was so heavy and the hearts were all in my way. I had to get to my baby before he did. I tried to step over the hearts, but my skirts pushed more of them in front of me. I had no choice but to step on the hearts to get up to Graham. They turned to dust around my feet and the hall filled with the screams of our subjects. I tripped on one of the hearts and fell. Going down, I looked up to see my mother with that empty smile on her face.

     And I woke up.

     It made sense. Graham can’t love anything, even if I commanded him to. He could actually hurt our child like my mother did to me, even if it’s not physically. I can’t let it go through that. I’m the only one that deserves to be happy, but Graham deserves to love his child.

     I have to give Graham back his heart.

Monday, November 6th, 1989

     I still haven’t told anyone about the pregnancy. The only people who know are Kathryn, Graham and the hospital. Storybrooke General follows a strict code of conduct, but Dr. Whale insists everyone stay silent on the matter until it’s very obvious that I am pregnant, which seems odd but is fine by me.

     No one knows about my engagement to Graham, either. Not even Kathryn. I still can’t believe I said yes. We haven’t set a date to actually marry yet. If Dr. Whale’s calculations were correct and I was pregnant for six weeks when I first saw him, then I should give birth in the middle of May. At least I think that’s when it will happen. Since we’re not aging, I’m not sure how long this pregnancy will last before I give birth.

     The pregnancy and Graham aren’t the only things I’ve been concerned with. Sidney’s been bothering me again about television. Today he insisted on bringing it up at lunch.

     “What do you expect us to do, Sidney?”

     “Let’s take the tower down.”

     “We’ve spoken of this before. We can’t just take it down.” I admire his passion, but Sidney’s not usually so reckless.

     “We have to do something. Have you been paying attention to the news? Have you seen what’s been going on in East and West Germany?”

     “Sort of. I’ve been busy.”

     “Well, it’s big. People are gathering and becoming agitated over there. Have you taken a look around here lately? It’s as if there’s a link between the unrest on television and the unrest here. Some people are getting restless. I think they’re planning on rioting.”

     “Rioting? Where do they think we are?” I’ve dealt with revolts before as queen. I was able to end them, usually with arrows and fire. That’s not the way to handle things here, but the last thing I need is another library situation to deal with.

     “I know what you’re thinking,” Sidney said, “but we don’t have to completely get rid of television. There’s still the local station. We can build that up and have it air whatever you want, just like the paper.” He leaned in. “I know how we can get episodes of Hibiscus Hollow.”

     That was all I needed. “You have my permission to look into this. Do what you need to do, even if the people do riot. Even chaos can be guided.”

     I had my first ultrasound after work, today. I didn’t know what that was, but the doctor told me that you can tell the sex of the child by the eleventh week. I saw some of what Sidney was talking about on my drive to the hospital. The clouds above were threatening lightning and rain and people were walking to and from their destinations. I stopped at the corner by the electronics store. Televisions filled the front window and glowed a commercial in unison for a restaurant we don’t have here. Then the news came on and everyone walking by stopped and faced the televisions. The broadcast showed people were in fact gathering in Germany. One of the men watching the news raised a fist in the air and shouted something. He turned, and Leroy and I locked eyes before I sped off.

    It was a relief to get to Storybrooke General. Once the nurse took me into my room, I got in my gown and waited on the table. Dr. Whale came in a little while later. He’s been my doctor during my pregnancy and is very dedicated in seeing me to term. I can’t imagine he deals with too many pregnant women. If there’s one thing he understands, it is discretion. At the doctor’s suggestion, Graham came in about thirty minutes after me so as not to raise suspicion.

     “Let’s get started, shall we?” Dr. Whale was very calm as he explained what he would do and how the machine would work. He squeezed some goo on my stomach and turned on the machine. He grabbed a device from the console that he called a trans-something and placed it on my stomach. It made a roaring sound as he moved it around. The doctor pointed to the monitor, which had once been black. Now it was full of little white dots, and they formed the outline of an infant. “There it is!” Lightning flashed through the window. “There’s the heart beat. Do you hear it?” A steady beat rose above the roar.

     In the weeks previous, I had accepted what was happening to me. I’d allowed myself to believe that this was not some illusion by the curse. But now, being able to see and hear my child made the whole thing finally real and wonderful to me.

     “Yes.” My voice faltered, but I got it out. I was so happy. Tears came down my face and my smile was so big it made my face hurt. I reached out my hand to Graham. He took it, but my happiness faded as when I saw the look on his face.

     I knew that look. His lips formed a smile he knew he should have because that’s what someone who loves their child would have. He stared at the monitor because that’s what someone with a heart would do. But there was no emotion there. It was the look my mother gave me all of my life.

     “You’re happy for our child, right?” This was something I never thought I’d ask, but there I was in the bed at home after the doctor’s visit. I’m still not physically ready to do much, but I’m willing to make Graham give me a massage.

     “Of course.”

     “Are you sure?”

     “Yes.” He hands gave me one last rub before he got off the bed. “Have you thought of names yet?”

     “I like Daniel.” I sat up and faced him. “Or Danielle if it’s a girl.”

     “I thought maybe Hunter or Wolf.” Of course he would.

     “My child will not be named Wolf, but Hunter might be a good middle name.” His occupation beat Daniel’s. “Stableboy” just doesn’t sound as confident.

     Graham smiled that empty smile again and went out the window. I haven’t been able to fall asleep since.

Thursday, September 21st, 1989

     The morning after dinner with Kathryn, I was very sick. I couldn’t leave my bathroom for most of the day. I called town hall and explained as quickly as I could that I wasn’t coming in. It was a miserable morning. I felt better as the day went on, but I was so exhausted by then. I forbade Graham from staying over until I was better. The next morning I was still sick. I made it into work later in the day, rationalizing that food poisoning isn’t contagious. I heard Granny was quite offended when I made Graham inspect her restaurant. I knew she’d be even more upset as soon as Sidney’s editorial questioning the sanitation of her establishment would be released the next day. I didn’t take the time to investigate, myself, because I was sick again. I thought I was going to die.

     It was Kathryn who came over to check on me. I insisted I was eating, even though it didn’t stay in me for long. She took me right over to the hospital and we were in a room immediately. A nurse drew my blood and then we waited. Finally, Dr. Whale came in. I expected medicine, but instead he handed me this bit of news:

     “Congratulations, Madam Mayor, you’re pregnant. I’d say about six weeks.”

     “That’s impossible,” came out of my mouth before I could stop it, but it was true. Nothing changes here. I know because I made it that way. Vivian knew this, too. She studied the curse enough to know that nothing new can enter Storybrooke. So how could I be pregnant?

     Dr. Whale offered to do an ultrasound to show me the baby. I didn’t know what crazy hospital magic that was, but I knew it was pointless. This was a trick of the curse to somehow keep everyone else miserable and even if his machine showed something, it wouldn’t be real.

     Kathryn drove me home after the doctor gave me some advice on how to manage my mornings. She was happy, I could tell, but was holding it in. I was not.

     The first thing I did once I was alone in my house was assess the situation. Things don’t change in our lives, but the curse doesn’t stop the world from turning or the sun from setting. It doesn’t stop the tide from coming in and it doesn’t stop a woman from going through what she can go through. Despite knowing the doctor was wrong, I had to admit that my monthly cycle was late by a couple of weeks. Acknowledging that brought doubt into my head. I could go to the drug store and buy a pregnancy test, but the curse might rig those and make it positive for everyone’s benefit. I could use magic to divine whether or not it was true, but that seemed like a waste. Nothing sounded like a good idea except for one thing.

     I drove to the cemetery, went straight down into my safe haven and into Daniel’s room. He was there, quiet in his glass coffin, absolutely perfect. For a moment, I entertained the idea that the doctor had been right, and in that moment I knew that he was. I put my arms on top of the glass, leaned my head against them and cried. I had betrayed my one true love. I never wanted anyone’s children but his.

     The idea of giving birth to a child didn’t upset me. I wasn’t concerned about how my life would change; I was in charge and this town would change with me to accommodate my needs. But still, this wasn’t something that I had planned. I lifted my head, wiped my eyes and looked at the man I’d loved. It occurred to me that I didn’t have to have this child. The thought of using magic entered my mind again. But then I thought of how I was when Daniel knew me verses what I had become after Snow White had taken him away from me. I was not the girl he’d fallen in love with anymore. I had done so much since then; maybe this was a chance at redemption?

     I left my family mausoleum and went home. Graham was waiting for me at the front door.

     “There you are. I’ve been looking for you.” It was almost too dark to see him, so I invited him inside. The lamp light in my living room made it much easier to see his concern. “I heard you’d gone to the hospital.”

     “Yes, I did.” There was no need to dance around it. “Graham, I’m pregnant.”

     “Oh.” Without his heart, it seemed he didn’t know how to react. Graham furrowed his brow and looked as though he was thinking hard about whether he should be happy or upset. “Oh…”

     “I’m going to keep it, but you don’t have to worry about having any responsibility.”

     “What will you do when people ask who the father is?”

     “I’ll make them stop.” I was fine until he asked this. Putting my coat away in the closet suddenly seemed like a good idea. “It’s none of their business. I’m the mayor.”

     “Regina.” He pursued me. “What if I married you?”

     I dropped my coat on the floor. “You don’t have to do that.” I bent down to pick it up off the tile, but Graham was faster than me.

     “I want to be a father to my child as your husband.” He put my coat away and turned to me. “Would you marry me?”

     “Yes.”