Monday, February 16th, 1998

     It took me until today to confront Mr. Gold. I couldn’t just ask him to have the baby. He’d refuse. I had to be careful. All he had to do was say one word and it would be done. I needed to be clever if I wanted to be a mother. I was intruding in someone else’s part of the curse. Everyone here wants something that they’ll never get. The curse I cast has created a very specific picture, and I walked into Mr. Gold’s shop with the goal to alter it.

     The bells on the door jingled as it closed behind me. The light shined through the windows and cast shadowy shapes across his counter. A mug of coffee sat on top of a fresh and open copy of the Boston Globe. Behind the counter, a curtain hung in a doorway. Behind that, I assumed was a stockroom that must have been empty, because the shop was full of strange items from floor to ceiling. I stood beside some shriveled marionettes that sat on their perch and stared on at the curtain. I looked away and followed their gaze. The sound of tapping on the floor grew closer and closer. The curtain wafted forward before Mr. Gold’s hand grabbed it and pulled it out of the way. He stepped forward.

     “Good morning, Madam Mayor.” He smiled and stepped up to the counter. “What brings you into my shop today?”

     “Good morning, Gold. I’m here today with an offer.”

     “Well, I’m all ears.”

     “What if I told you I was interested in adopting a child?”

     “I would congratulate you.” He grabbed his coffee mug off the counter. “That’s quite a noble thing to do. I believe you would be a good mother, despite a previous attempt.”

     “You know about that?”

     “Word does get around.” He took a sip of his coffee before carrying the mug and setting it on a table or something right behind the curtain. “Even still, I believe few people in Storybrooke would be a better candidate than you.”

     “Thank you.” I got to the point. “I would like to adopt Ashley’s baby.”

     The smile Gold had since greeting me left his face.

     “And what do you want to offer me?”

     “How about the right to increase your rent fees to all of your properties in Storybrooke?”

     “I already have that right, thanks.” Mr. Gold came around from behind the counter, his cane tapping loudly on the wooden floor. “The child is worth more than that.”

     “I will help you adopt any other child in Storybrooke.” I started to walk up to him, but he walked right past me. He reached up with one hand and began to untangle a mobile of glass unicorns that looked vaguely familiar. I went to help.

     “There are no other children to adopt in Storybrooke.” He waved my hands away from his as politely as he could and went back to the mobile. “None who are safe to adopt, anyway.”

     “Then what would you like? You can have anything you want.” How do you convince him to break a deal? You offer him a better one.

     “That is the most dangerous question to ask, as well as the most dangerous thing to offer.” He had three of the five strands untangled already, but one twist of the fourth strand reattached it to one of the three untangled strands. “To answer your first, there is nothing more valuable than the life of a child. To the second, I want Ashley’s baby, and I have it already.” He gave up on the mobile with a sigh and sat down, but now the mobile was bothering me. I reached up and worked on it.

     “Did you know I was close friends with Ashley’s stepmother?” I got the whole thing untangled faster than I thought. “I even paid for her grave and funeral.”

     “I did know that.” He nodded in thanks for my effort. “But it seems you weren’t close enough for her to tell you about Miss Boyd’s pregnancy.”

     That didn’t sting as much as he meant it to, but I decided to switch tactics anyway.

     “I’ve heard that Ashley was coerced into signing her contract with you.” I leaned against his display counter and placed my hands behind me on the cold glass. “If I wanted to, I could visit Mr. Spencer’s firm and build a case against you.”

     “You can if you like, but I can just as easily get all of those involved together and prove your case invalid.”

     “I spoke with Ashley two days ago and she wants to give her baby to me.”

     “What Miss Boyd wants now is irrelevant. All that matters is the contract she signed then.” Mr. Gold rose from his chair and made his way back behind the counter. “You are the most powerful woman in Storybrooke.” He reached beneath the counter and pulled out a spray bottle with blue liquid and a rag. “You can have any child you want. Except this one.”

     “But this one is perfect!”

     “I’m sure he will be, but this one is mine.” He came over to the display case I was leaning against and motioned with his cane for me to move. I stepped aside for him to spray and wipe away the smudges my hands had left.

     “I can give her things so she can get on with her life. Can you promise that?” I think I was more offended by his wiping clean where my backside had leaned against the case than anything he’d said.

     “I don’t promise anything unless I’m certain I can deliver. Can you?”

     “Do you even care about her well-being?”

     “Truthfully, no,” he turned to me before walking the cleaning supplies back to where they belonged. “But she is healthy and has everything she needs. What she does with her life after the child’s born is not my concern.”

     “Do you think you’ll be able to take care of the infant yourself?”

     “Not alone, no. Not that it’s any of your business, but I may have to hire some help. I know of at least one woman who might be able.” He came around from the counter one more time and made his way slowly to the door.

     My mouth actually fell open. “You don’t mean Ashley?” It was so cruel, I wish I’d thought of it.

     “I plan on offering her the job. Of course, per our contract, she won’t be allowed to ever reveal to the child she’s his mother. The consequences if she does are dire.” He held the door open for me. “Now if you don’t mind, I have a business to run. You know where I stand on this, so I’ll wish you good day.”

     But I wasn’t finished. “Mr. Gold, please, this is my last chance!”

     “Madam Mayor, please stop going on about this! I’m not breaking my contract with Ashley.”

     My mouth closed. I opened it again and tried to say the name “Ashley”, but my voice wouldn’t come forth. I was able to say “Mr. Gold—“ but I tried to press the subject of Ashley’s baby and nothing would come out. I started again.

     “We have known each other for a very long time.” I could get that out, but anything about Ashley or adopting her baby cut off in my throat. I was so angry I could cry. I didn’t want to cry in front of Mr. Gold. I could feel the tears coming, but they never came because they were over Ashley’s baby. I wanted to scream. I tried to scream! But I couldn’t even do that! I was done, whether I wanted to be or not.

     “I’ll leave you alone now.” Before I could walk out the door, Mr. Gold held up a hand.

     “Mayor Mills,” he sighed and lowered his head. “I am not unsympathetic to your plight. There’s nothing in this world I’ve wanted more than to be a parent, and I’d recognized that in you long before you came to me today. I may be able to help you.” He closed the door, preventing more cold air from coming in and walked back to his counter.

     “How?” I followed him. “There are no other available children to adopt in Storybrooke.”

     “True, but there are many adoptable children outside of Storybrooke.” He held up his issue of the Boston Globe as though it was a piece of magic.

     “What’s your price?” I took a step back, as I’d already offered him anything.

     “Let’s not worry about my price just now, dearie.” He sat the newspaper down. “This may take some time. When I’m able to find you a child, then we’ll discuss the cost.”

Saturday, February 14th, 1998

     It’s been fifteen years since I enacted the curse. Coincidentally, everyone else thinks it’s the 200^th anniversary of the founding of the town. Today was also Valentine’s Day, so the town has decided to do a month-long celebration dubbed, “We Love Storybrooke”. I’m not joking.

     Two good things have happened today. The first occurred this morning when I was flipping through the book of riddles. Inside was a spell for giving someone who isn’t a resident of Storybrooke a cursed persona. This is perfect in case the Savior actually does show up. All I have to do is cast a spell as soon as she arrives and problem solved.

     Kathryn begged me to go out with her tonight. We went to the Rabbit Hole to enjoy karaoke night. Actually, we weren’t enjoying it as much as enduring it. She sat and stared at the stage, wringing her hands as she waited for her turn. Ahead of her, Dr. Whale was giving everything he had to a rock ballad that asked why no one loved him. Thank goodness he makes his living saving lives. At least I knew better than to volunteer.

     The doctor left the stage as soon as the music ended and Kathryn went up. She started out slower than her upbeat song, but once she sped up she was actually pleasant to hear. I looked around and saw a few people enjoying the song. Then I saw someone I hadn’t seen in a while. I forgot that Ashley worked here, among her other jobs. She was removing her apron and it looked like her shift may have been over for the night, but that wasn’t what caught my attention.

     She was pregnant! Granted, it’s been a while since I’ve seen Ashley. We don’t exactly run in the same circles, but in the days when I used to go to Vivian’s house, I didn’t remember Ashley’s stomach sticking out so much. I vaguely remember some things Vivian would say that suggested she knew about her stepdaughter’s condition. I also remember something she told me as we studied the curse: you keep what you brought over. For Vivian, it was her cancer, but for Ashley it obviously was her child. I think I remember hearing that she was expecting back home. Her pregnancy will not be stopped by the curse as it is for the rest of the women here. Ashley’s going to have her baby and I want it.

     Her baby would be the perfect baby to have. I won’t have to worry about the child turning on me, since the child will be born without a cursed persona. And judging by her size, it might not be long before she gives birth.

     When Kathryn finished her song, I made some excuse about having to attend an early meeting and followed Ashley out the door. She made a stop at Mr. Clark’s. There, in the dental aisle, I pretended to be shopping too.

     “Hello, Ashley!” What a coincidence to see her there. “How have you been? You look well.”

     Ashley jumped. I don’t think she’s used to people acknowledging her presence.

     “Thank you, Mayor Mills. It’s nice to see you.”

     “How far along are you?”

     “About seven months, according to the doctor, but I think he’ll come later.”

     “It’s a boy?” I followed her to the register with a brand of toothpaste I didn’t use. “Congratulations.”

     “No need to congratulate me.” Ashley pulled out her change and paid for her goods. “I’m giving him up for adoption.”

     “Have you thought about doing a private adoption and choosing the parent, yourself?”

     “He’s already been chosen.” She waited for me as Mr. Clark counted back my change. “It’s Mr. Gold.”

     I managed to successfully put the change in my purse without flinching. His was the one name I didn’t want her to say. But I knew I still had a chance. I offered to walk her home, assuring her it was our job as women to look out for each other.

     “How many jobs are you working, Ashley?” I pulled my coat closer around my neck. Frost came from our mouths as we exhaled.

     “Three.” Her steps were heavy, as though she’d worked all of them today.

     “Is Mr. Gold your boss for all of them?” I offered a hand to hold her bag for her.

     “Yes.” She nodded her thanks and handed me the bag.

     “How is he treating you?”

     “Well, he’s paying for the doctor visits and all of that.”

     “What happens when the baby’s born?”

     “I get a fresh start…”

     “Will you still be working for Mr. Gold?”

     “I guess so.”

     “That’ll be hard, won’t it? To work for the man you’re giving up your child to? To see your child every day, growing up before your eyes, and him never knowing who you are?” We stopped at the gate to her stepsister’s house and I handed her back her bag. “I assume Mr. Gold made you sign something promising to never reveal your identity to your son?”

     Ashley nodded her head and the tears dripped down. I almost had her.

     “What if you gave your baby to me?” I leaned in. “I can do things for you that Mr. Gold can’t do.”

     “Like what?”

     “How would you like to go to college? How about starting a new life in a big city like Boston or New York? I can help you and you’ll be able to get on with your life with the knowledge that your baby is being raised by a family friend.”

     Ashley looked around to make sure no one was listening before leaning in. “I would rather you raise my baby than Mr. Gold,” she whispered. “My mom really liked you. But I’m afraid to break my agreement with him.  Even if you helped me leave, I don’t know what he’d do to my family.”

     I don’t know why she would look out for them, but I pretended to care.

     “Let me talk to him and see what I can do.”

     This energized Ashley. She actually thanked me before going in her house, not knowing that if I win, she’ll be her miserable, cursed self for the rest of her life. Her baby is as good as mine. All I have to do is convince Mr. Gold to null his contract with her, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to do that.

Thursday, November 21st, 1991

     It’s been three months since Hurricane Bob did his damage here. No lives were lost, but a few of the homes that were supposed to have been very old or built on the cheap were flattened. Some shops had damage to their windows and roofs. Most everyone’s homes had minor damage, with trees landing on them or basements flooding. The worst damage was done by the docks. Boats were overturned and boardwalks were torn up. Believe it or not, I rallied the people to rebuild. Many people donated their time and the businesses donated their resources to make sure everyone had shelter. Granny’s boarding house was full for several weeks, as it was lucky to escape the storm’s wrath. Mr. Gold was kind enough to not charge his tenants rent until it was safe to go back into his damaged rental properties.

     It was important to take care of those affected before winter came and prevented further work from being completed, but I’m so impressed with how much work has been accomplished in just three short months. I’ve attended ceremonies for businesses reopening and for families allowed to return to their homes, and I must admit it’s touching to see how proud everyone is of surviving this storm. The largest ceremony took place yesterday, when our docks reopened. The whole town turned out for the celebration of the fishermen being allowed to fish again. And it was there, for the first time in three months that I finally saw them.

     I knew they’d survived because I didn’t actually see Nick and Ava die. I’d just finished my speech and was shaking hands with our chamber of commerce, when I looked to my left and saw the children stuffing their mouths with free food. They didn’t see me, and everyone else ignored them as they stuffed their pockets and ran away.

     I left them alone. As long as I stay away from them, there’s nothing I need to worry about. I remained silent about what happened during the storm and I didn’t press charges either. If they were apprehended, there might be a trial. If there was a trial, there would be a chance the children might say something about their true experience. If that happened, who knows what would result? I told Sister Astrid to keep quiet about it as well. She wanted to conduct a search party the day after the storm, but I assured her it was being taken care of. I decided early on that it would be easier to make them suffer as homeless orphans.

     To that end, I shut down the nuns’ orphanage. I couldn’t stop Sister Astrid from telling Mother Superior what had happened once I’d returned her to the convent. She was very apologetic to me after hearing Sister Astrid’s account, and offered to let me adopt the next child available, should there ever be one. I declined. It is very obvious that the children of Storybrooke are not mine to raise. With my options extinguished, I guess my mission to be a mother is over.

Wednesday, August 21st, 1991 - Part 2

     I ran into the forest partly because that’s what I meant to do and partly because the force of the wind on my back gave me no other choice but running. The trees swayed above me and their branches crashed into each other. It was so noisy I knew I couldn’t track by sound. The rain didn’t fall as easily through the trees as it did in my yard, so I was able to track footprints. Sister Astrid did not possess my tracking skills. Her footprints from her sensible shoes trailed off from the two sets of sneaker prints a ways in, due to the children’s head start. That was good; hopefully she’d be somewhere else and I could kill the children and still make it look like an accident. I followed the sneaker prints further into the forest.

     It’s been years since I’ve killed someone with my bare hands, but it’s kind of like riding a horse: you never really forget. That reminded me that I haven’t ridden a horse since before I cast the curse. We have stables in this town, so what am I waiting for? I began to think of organizing an event for the town involving riding horses. A memorial for Nick and Ava, killed by the horrible storm, would have been perfect.

     My thoughts on fundraisers halted when I saw him. Nick was alone in the clearing before me, his back to me. The rain was pouring down on him and the clearing was nothing but mud. I stopped by the trunk of a large tree that would not bow to the storm. I knew this was a trick. One person is the lure to draw in the bait and then the other attacks. I could see that Nick’s hands were empty, which meant that Ava was somewhere nearby with the sword. Tactics flew through my mind. If I ran to Nick, would I get to his heart in time? What if I stayed where I was and waited for one of them to crack? Or what if Ava already saw me? I looked down at the ground again and saw scuff marks in the dirt. Someone had tried to clear her tracks, but she missed one footprint facing the other direction. I looked back up and saw Nick facing me, but he was looking past me. I ducked just in time for the blade of my broadsword to clang against the tree. The force from that mistake threw Ava to the ground beside me, my sword falling out of her hand. I grabbed it and stood, its tip pointed at her throat. I motioned for her to stand and walk into the clearing to meet her brother. If one or both of them had to die by impalement, that was fine by me.

      You know what? A hurricane’s really hard to stand up in. The storm was much stronger in the clearing and a blast from the wind made me slip and fall flat on my face. I held onto my sword and managed to get on my hands and knees. Both of the children had fallen too. I could reach Nick without shedding his blood. My hand was on his chest in a second, but the next second he was far away from me. The wind picked me up and I was flying. I think I was caught in a small tornado. It had somehow missed the children and I could see them running for cover. The funnel steered me towards a large tree. Rather than brace for impact, I aimed for it. I hit it hard, but I held onto that tree and the tornado lost its grip on me. I was able to look into it before it left and saw it glowing green. Thank goodness it didn’t take me somewhere else; my curse on everyone would have broken.

     The wind calmed a bit once the tornado left and I managed to climb down. Nick and Ava were gone again and I decided to leave them be. If I could just get home I’d be safe. I held onto my sword and ran.

     “Regina!”

     I stopped in front of Sister Astrid on the ground beneath a fallen tree. I ran up to see how bad it was.

     “They were here!” Most of her body was fine, but there was a large branch pinning her right leg. “They said I was in league with you and chased me! Then the tree fell!” If I left her, she might die after a few days, but we were close enough to town that someone could find her if she shouted loud enough. Then she’d tell everyone I left her to die. I don’t know why I just didn’t kill her on the spot to make things easier. Slamming into that tree probably did something to my head and I should get looked at as soon as possible, but I took my sword and hacked the branch free. I reached for her hand but she screamed again.

     The children were standing about ten feet away from us. I widened my stance and held my sword as they charged for us. Another gust of wind came through. This time I only wavered, but the gust was enough to knock Nick and Ava over as well as two trees in front of them. It was hard to say whether or not the trees actually landed on them, but the children did not pop up over the fallen trunks.

     “We need to see if they’re alive!” Sister Astrid grabbed my hand before crying in pain.

     No we didn’t. I’d had enough of this and now was our chance. “We need to get you safe!” Sister Astrid reluctantly agreed. She couldn’t put any weight on her ankle, so she leaned into me and we stood up. She looked at the fallen trees and cried her apology at the children who I hoped wouldn’t rise and come after us. We hobbled together through the mud and made it out of the forest. My wooden furniture was strewn around my house and down the street. We made it inside and I barricaded the door before slowly taking her into the center of the house and making her a bed to lie on. I gave her a knife and told her that if the children were alive and did come in, they might try to kill both of us. And I’ve been sitting here, writing ever since she fell asleep.

     The sun is rising and the children have not come after us. The storm has calmed and appears to have done what I intended to do. I think we’re safe.

Wednesday, August 21st, 1991

     I’m sitting here, in the dark in my dining room, writing by the light of my flashlight as the wind whips the earth around us. Sister Astrid is at the other end of the room, sleeping on the floor. Her leg is elevated over some seat cushions and has ice on it. I have no idea where the children are and we’re both fine with that; perhaps me more than her. I’ve got a sword that I brought over for emergencies and Sister Astrid has a knife from my kitchen, just in case. It’s been seven hours now and the sun’s coming up, so I think we’re safe. But I don’t know.

     My plan yesterday morning was simple: rip out their hearts while they were sleeping, drive them to school and then wait until just almost the end of the day. At just the right moment, I would crush Ava’s heart. Then I would make Nick run to his sister and crush his heart. Sure, this would cause some spectacle, but they wouldn’t be able to tie it to me.

     There were two problems with this plan. The first was, after almost three months with me, the children no longer slept. Because of this, I hardly slept. I’d walk to their locked bedroom doors and hear Nick singing a simple song. The melody was from a song from our religion back home, but the lyrics were about the god of Sister Astrid’s religion. Then I’d creep over to Ava’s room and she would be singing the same song. This has been going on for the last six nights.

     The more pressing problem with my plan was there was no school today. Hurricane Bob was set to reach us this morning, and the schools remained closed today so the students could be with their families. I told the children to stay in the center of the house in case the storm came early while I went to work to make sure the town was ready. There was no way I was staying alone with them for as long as was necessary for the storm to pass.

     I came back to my office to find a message on my answering machine. Sister Astrid’s voice came through.

     “Hi, Madam Mayor. I don’t mean to bug you, but I stopped by to check on the children. The weather’s not too bad yet, don’t worry. I found Nick and Ava in the backyard putting all of your wooden furniture in a pile. I started to think about what you said, you know, about how you’re not getting along? Well, I asked them what they were doing, and they said they were going to burn you—“ BEEP!

     My answering machine cut her off. Sister Astrid’s voice came back on the next message.

     “Hi, again. Should I start over? Did you get my last message? I’ll hope that you did and keep going. So I think you’re right. Nick and Ava never accused anyone of being a witch before. Obviously we need to end the trial period and get them back to the orphanage. They didn’t seem dangerous towards me, but I don’t think it’s safe for them to be around you. I didn’t ask Mother Superior, but—“ BEEP!

     Third message.

     “Oh dear, um, I’ll be quick. I’m coming back over to do an exorcism. I hope you’ll be there, but maybe you shouldn’t be? Okay, bye!”

     I ran home. I didn’t know what an exorcism was, but if Sister Astrid had to go under Mother Superior’s nose to do one then it was not what was needed. By the time I arrived, the wind had really picked up. I could see the mountain of wooden furniture in my backyard peaking over the fence. I crept inside, opened my coat closet door, opened a secret panel beside the coats and pulled out a broadsword. I searched each room, but I was alone in the house. The yard proved empty too. I turned around and everything went dark. There was some kind of bag over my head. I kicked and swung my sword, but that was quickly taken from me. At that moment, I wished I’d grabbed something less-lethal to protect myself and knew I was going to die. The children were yelling at me and dragging me along the ground.

     “STOP!!!” Sister Astrid was screaming. She must have been pulling them off of me, because we all started moving in the other direction.

     “Sister Astrid, help us!”

     “I’m trying!” She was going to get herself killed. Something little dropped on the bag over my face. Then more. The tiny thuds sounded like water droplets. Was she actually throwing holy water on us? Then I remembered the hurricane and instantly we were in a downpour.

     A gust of wind knocked us over and I was on the ground fast. There was a scramble before I was released. Everything became bright when the bag was pulled off my face. Sister Astrid was holding it and we were alone in my yard. The children and my sword were gone.

     “They ran away!” Sister Astrid helped me up and yelled over the wind that threatened to blow us over again.

     “Good!” I grabbed her hand and pulled, but she pulled back. “Let’s get inside where it’s safe!”

     “We have to go after them! They could get hurt or worse!”

     “I’m all right with that!”

     “No!” She broke free of my grasp and ran out the gate. “We can save them!”

     I don’t know why I ran after her. If I was Mary Margaret or even Kathryn, I might say it was because she just saved my life and I owed her that much. But that’s not me. You know what else isn’t me, though? Giving people second chances once they’ve wronged me. That’s exactly what I did for Nick and Ava, and look how great that turned out? The only thing to do at this point was finish them off, and I wasn’t about to rely on a giant storm to do that for me. I didn’t flinch as the rain pelted me in the face. The gate banged behind me and I followed Sister Astrid into the forest to rip out a couple of hearts.